I can be a crappy friend sometimes.

 

Having good girlfriends was never my thing. I wasn’t good at it. Looking back, I was selfish and jealous. I’m sure narcissist is a good word to use too. Sure, I had friends but I never felt like I truly belonged in a group. Boucing between friend groups and having acquaintances, yes,  but never deep meaningful relationships. Part of it was that I simply got burned a few too many times. I put up a wall and if it wasn’t my way, it was the highway. Another part of it was is that I was molded to be “tough” and deep meaningful relationships brought feelings and emotions. I didn’t have time for that mushy stuff. I had a wall to keep solid here.

Well, that got lonely.

 

Not overnight. Not all at once. But little by little, as life went on those friendships chipped away. Drifted apart. And if it wasn’t for my husband who had a rock solid group of high school friends that continued on into adulthood, I’m not quite sure where I’d be right now. They pretty much saved me. I couldn’t be more grateful for the friendships that have come out of my marriage.

If I could only go back and make some changes.

I’d tell my younger self that friendships are supposed to be about the other person and not yourself…

I’d be ok with letting my guard down despite the risk of getting hurt…

I’d continue to trust with caution…

I’d be more understanding…

I’d learn to hug a little more and resist a little less…

I’d be more patient… (Oh, wait. That advice is for my present and future self too here.)

I’d simply just tell myself to chill out…

I guess I fully realized how far I had drifted from people when my mom died. She was my best friend. My only deep friend at the time. Once she was gone, there was a huge void of female companionship in my life. Yes, I had friends, but because I had this wall I was still carrying around my heart, I wasn’t fully able to appreciate them. I didn’t know how. I never learned it. I was never taught it. It was probably one of those “someday” conversations my mom would have had with me. Who knows…

Thankfully, after I became a work at home mom and I was truly cut off from even more companionship, the light finally went on. I’ve had the opportunity to create and be a part of amazing communities – both in real life and online. I’ve had the opportunities to reconnect with old friends but with new perspective. I’ve had the opportunity to encourage other women to give friendships another try. I’ve had the opportunity to hug more. I’ve had the chance to let my guard down and learn new lessons from people. I’ve been able to make it about others and not so much myself. I’ve been able to grow as a person in a way I didn’t know I needed.

Maybe you had an experience like mine. Maybe you are longing for a change. Maybe you want to deepen your current relationships. If that’s you, let’s connect. I have so many amazing things to share with you.

 

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